Mike Bloomberg Could Use A Hug Today (And Maybe Some Of My Toffee)

Analysis AND recipe included!

Winners and Losers of the Democratic Debate

The winner was definitely not Mike Bloomberg, who paid millions of dollars to be humiliated on a debate stage in front of the entire nation (the most expensive fetish in human history?). However, Sanders came away pretty much unscathed, which is exactly what everyone knew would happen because Bloomberg is such low-hanging fruit.

I wrote about the overall winners and losers here, but I want to add something. Watching the debate last night was strangely beautiful. It was basically Wrestlemania meets a classical ballet. There is something intensely pure and beautiful about the well-orchestrated carnage that was Bloomberg getting thrown from the top of the cage into a table that was covered in flames. At no point was anything of value actually added to the political discussion, but the devastation that ran amok across the stage was glorious.

Amy Klobuchar was so upset at Pete Buttigieg that she stormed off the stage last night. Her hatred of Pete Buttigieg was so pure and so complete that it was admirable. Buttigieg, meanwhile, was apparently so self-conscious after the attacks from Donald Trump on Bloomberg’s height that Buttigieg wore platform shoes on the stage last night to boost his height.

It devolved into chaos that was perfectly punctuated by Sanders basically telling the entire Democratic party that if he doesn’t win enough delegates to win the nomination outright, then he should win by having a plurality of them - completely rejecting the convention’s rules on how the process should go. Five of the six candidates on that stage said the process should play itself out, and Sanders refused.

Granted, that’s pretty understandable because the “process” is what screwed him over last time. But if you’re running for the nomination of a particular party but you refuse to acknowledge that party’s rules while doing so, it’s really on you when that party decides you aren’t their guy.

Bloomberg Isn’t Done Though

Let’s be honest, though. Despite getting ripped to shreds last night, Bloomberg doesn’t care about debates. He doesn’t care about what people think of his public speaking. He only cares about the media presence, and his money is buying it. He straight-up told America at the end of the night “I’m not asking for your money,” and giving us a look that said “Because I don’t need your money, you dirty plebians.”

So, he’s going to stay in the race no matter what the polls say and what the reaction to the debates is. Why? Because he knows Americans have a short attention span, and being bombarded with his ads is way more effective at turning out support than debating communists is.

Alton Brown Is Returning To “Chopped”

And he is asking the Twitterverse for diabolical basket ideas.

I, of course, have my recommendations: Ground venison, cabbage, red miso paste, and durian. If anyone can make a dish out of that and not stick their face into a boiling pot of water in the process, I think they deserve to win.

Alternatively, make sure Scott Conant is the judge and make the basket include red onions and truffle oil. Also, durian. Because every basket should have durian.

Recipe: Very Buttery Toffee

I love toffee. I love it. As I mentioned earlier this week, candy is just tough if you aren’t careful, and I very famously have a deficit in my attention span. Still, the Democratic debate gave me a good opportunity to keep myself busy while everyone tore Mike Bloomberg to confetti. The recipe is super easy (three ingredients minimum) and all it takes is patience (which, admittedly, I have very little of).

Still, as much as I’ve struggle with making candy, here is the very easy and very buttery toffee.

  • 1 cup sugar

  • 1 cup unsalted butter (melted)

  • 1/2 cup milk chocolate chips

  • 1 tsp. kosher salt (optional)

  • 1/2 tsp. vanilla extract (optional)

  1. Take a baking dish and lay parchment paper or aluminum foil inside. With some vegetable oil, grease up the paper/foil.

  2. Put a heavy-bottomed aluminum pan over medium-high heat. Add the sugar and the butter, along with the salt if you’re using it (I recommend it). Stir until the sugar is dissolved and then put your candy thermometer in the mixture.

  3. Let it boil, getting up to 300 degrees F (hard crack temperature). Stir occasionally, but don’t disturb the mixture too much. Once it’s there, remove the pan from the heat.

  4. Add the vanilla and stir until it’s mixed in. Then pour the mixture into your baking dish. Let it start to cool, and it will harden as it does.

  5. After it begins to cool and harden, pour the chocolate chips over the candy and use a spatula to spread it around. It will still be warm enough that the chocolate melts as you spread it. (NOTE: If your sugar mixture didn’t combine fully, you’ll end up with a layer of butter sitting on top of your candy mixture. Just take a paper towel and lay it over the top to absord as much of the excess butter as you can BEFORE you add the chocolate).

  6. Once there is a layer of melted chocolate evenly distributed across the top of the candy, let it cool a while longer before putting it in the fridge for at least two hours.

  7. Pull it out and break it up into smaller pieces. Give as much of it away as you can because you will eat it all otherwise.

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